To be honest at the start of the year I thought 2014 was gonna be my year. Pah what a twat. 

So I guess if have to make a list of my highlights so here we goooo:

1) I went skiing for the first time which was really cool because it was something I really wanted to do for ages so I was finally able to tick that off my bucket list.

2) I went to Normandy with my school as well, that was a great trip because I learnt so much about a subject that I find really interesting. I witnessed one of the most surreal things ever which was the day we visited the American cemetery it was the 4th of July so obviously there were more Americans than there would usually be but as we were going toward the graves a canon effect sounded and in sync all the Americans stood with their hands on their chest for the national anthem. It probably doesn't sound at great but trust me. I made some cool friends there but they later turned annoying but they were cool.

3) The day before I left for Normandy I went to see my all time favourite person in the world, I would call him the amazing but that doesn't even sum it so I'm going to just say Cody Simpson. That was probably one of the best nights of my life because I've loved and admired him for so long and I finally got to see him live and have a sort of connection with him. I remember as soon as he walked on stage I pretty much burst into tears and cried so much. Seeing him made me so happy and even though I was so tired in the way home I could not stop smiling. He sang my favourite songs plus some Elvis, did a bit of rapping and sang a little Bob Marley. I listen to videos I took and look at the pictures and it makes me feel so strange and giddy. It's strange how a person who doesn't even know you exist can make to feel like that, you know?

4) I met the queen Binky Felstead off of Made in Chelsea at a book signing in Waterstones and even though I had a two minute conversation with her she was so sweet and lovely. She complimented me on my smile and my name, two things that I'm quite self-conscious about but she made me so happy about them.

5) I went in holiday to Crete which was pretty cool since it was the first time I went on holiday with my cousins. 

6) I fell in love with more celebrities and programmes (wayhey) therefore ruining my life even more. Shout out to the Peaky Blinders-Finn Cole in particular, you gorgeous boy ;)- and basically every programme I watched on Netflix

Now I shall go on to to things I've done to benefit myself,

7) I left a friendship group that pretty much I've been in since I was 8 , I kinda realised that they were all really bitchy and no one was really friends in that group apart from 4 people who either liked you or hated you and I guess I didn't like that. That's not to say I'm not friends with them anymore because we still get along, maybe in a way I have to be because I walk to school with them. Regardless it was better for me and I'm happy about it, there was so much negative energy and I couldn't deal with it.

8) So since getting Tumblr it has influenced me in a lot of ways like its okay to feel upset sometimes like I've said in another post and causing me to watch more and more programmes and ruin my social life more and more. But one thing it has taught it is to embrace my gender. As of 2014 I feel like I can call myself a feminist, there are so many things that need to change and need to be embraced and I want to be part of that movement. I've learnt to never let a man take advantage of me and to never let someone put me down because I'm a female. It had also taught me about genders and sexuality and has really opened my eyes towards the world. Following all the stories about Michael Brown and with the recent Leelah Alcorn I feel like I understand how the world works, that it is a cruel place. But then with young girls like Malala we can enhance the world and make it better. I've learnt so many things from just a website and its weird because I'm so grateful for that.

9) Now I can say this one because this is the only social network I have where I know my friends and family won't see it so I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I have learnt not be afraid of my dad. This is one where I think I will continue to do through out 2015 as well. This year my mum and dad separated, now you may be thinking 'oh no Maya how sad' but not at all my loves. Through the years I have grown to dislike my dad and I realised he is not a person I want in life, bringing so much negativity into the place that is supposed to be my sanctuary. After he left our home my sister and my mum-who I recently realised is one of the best women in the world and I'm not saying that because she's my mum, she's so strong in every way and makes me so proud to be her daughter-sat down and talked about pretty much everything about us as a family and our thoughts on everything and on what was happening. That talk made me feel so much better about what was going on and that what is happening in our family is for the best.

10) This one you may not think works in this section but whatever. I STARTED WRITING AGAIN (YAY). You may not think that's so great but writing for me is one if my favourite things to do, like even though I don't do it super often I love writing these posts. In year 8-my worst year- I had an imagines account and when my friends mention I'm like "ooh cringe" but to be honest writing those imagines were one of my favourite things to do. I always wrote small things in my phone notes but now I've basically started writing a book in my notes with character descriptions and everything. Since starting that and kick starting the writing part of my brain a lot is better in my head. If I feel stress I can write something or read through what I've written before and maybe improve it or maybe not. This is benefits me mentally in so many ways and so hopefully in 2015 I will maybe even finish it.

11) And one more for luck! I feel like I have learnt a bit more about myself as a person this year. I've realised what music I like which is basically everything apart from screamo and dubstep. I've realised what books and films I like. What kind if clothes I like which I've realised I have a pretty cool style. This being said it doesn't mean I won't open myself up to new things. There's so many different genres of everything and so many new things to discover which I hopefully will do in 2015.

But yeah so that's pretty much my 2014 of course bad things have happened but right now I'm trying to concentrate on the positives whilst going into the new year. So yeah, have a great year people hopefully I will and ill see you in 2015!

Maya xx

But sadly Christmas is over and now we enter those weird few day between Christmas and New Years, you know what I mean? I hate these couple of days because you just don't what to do and everything just feels not right.

But whatever, the worst part between these few days is when on one day the WHOLE of my mums side comes round to my Nan's tiny house and tries to park on my Nan's rubbish parking road-don't ask why I find that part stressful it just is. Now you may think 'Maya that's just your cousins and your uncles and aunties.' But no! Not when your grandparents decided to have 7 KIDS. Now say each child has about 2 kids each, that makes 14 plus the 7 original kids that's 21 people and then add spouses(including cousins) that's about 10 more people and then add in the cousins kids,3. So we're currently on about 35 people crammed into the tiniest freaking house ever. Thinking about it we'd fit if we were spread out around the house but no, everyone tries to squeeze into the tiny kitchen and the tiny telly room with the huge bloody table and if you can't fit you go into the front room. But it's always all the guys in the front room, all the girls in the back room and all the aunties in the kitchen. 

I've spoken about this before with the whole talking to family and feeling like the weight of everyone is crushing you. This is the time with the whole cycle of sneaking upstairs and being forced to go downstairs then sneaking upstairs.

I'm staying the night for a few days at my Nan's afterwards which makes it bit better because I have an excuse for bringing books, iPads, chargers and what not. That helps because I can keep occupied easier.

Another good thing is that one of my uncles family aren't coming because they're all going round to his which minuses a few people, that's good.

Okay well I need to go get ready so let's hope I survive this one without wanting to kill myself too much.

Laterz

Maya xx

1)how pretty wet concrete is under a streetlamp, I'm not joking they look like little diamonds

2)I can walk up a big hill in 2 and a half minutes

3) Four by One Direction is a really good album

4) how hot my year 6 crush is, like wow his face, I like that shit

5) I should have listened to maybe Paolo Nutini or Hozier 

6) how much I love walking home by myself 

7) how much I love walking in the dark

8) and finally how hungry I get whilst walking home

I hope you enjoy that little list now I'm going to watch some of The IT Crowd. Byeeee

Maya xx

I SURVIVED ANOTHER WEDDING(barely)

Yes it true I made it but trust me it was very difficult. It made remember that long list of other thing I hate about weddings but you know what always at the top. The one thing that no matter what happens the worst that about weddings are:

Photographers.

Yes photographers. Like it okay if you have a couple because they don't always get in the way but my cousin had about five not to mention they were the rudest little shitbags ever. They didn't care if you were trying to take your photos, they will go straight in front of you and take your photo. Like excuse me? The worst is when you're trying to talk to bride or whatever and they just barge in a nod whizz her away, like what? They just aggravate me so much in everyday possible. Then okay so at the reception they had a little slideshow of some of the photos they had taken and you know what? THE PHOTOS WEREN'T EVEN THAT GOOD. People looked so awkward in them and half of the photos weren't even in focus. Are you kidding me? You took up half the hall with your equipment and produce that rubbish? The worst thing is I'm not even exaggerating.

Now you're probably thinking don't you want photographers at your wedding? Maybe a couple but not every person with a camera. You see being me I have more or less my whole wedding sorted out from the dress to the food, one of the ideas is: as people are coming into the wedding they'll be given a disposable camera. That way the photos we get back will be from how they experienced the wedding and not all awkward and commercialised. If you're wondering where I got the idea, I was watching 'Don't tell the Bride' and they didn't have enough money for the photographer so they came up with that. So not only will it prevent stress but it will be cheaper!

Anyways back to the wedding. To be honest I don't really know what to say now that I've vented about the photographers. Ummmmmmm, oh yeah! Basically one person from every country was there and I'm not even joking, there were people from South Africa, Canada- oh my god there were these two little boys with horrendous haircut but they were absolutely adorable-, Singapore, Tanzania, America, India and probably more there were so many it was crazy. 

One thing I learnt from the wedding though: Fruit Shoot is basically Redbull for 7 year olds...I'm not even joking.

Apart from that everything else was as annoying as usually, aunties commenting on my body- oh god no I just remember my aunts randomly commented on the fact that I now have boobs?! Did she think I was a boy?! Sorry I don't wear low cut, tight tops all time. Like you don't comment of your nieces cleavage, it's not right! But yeah my cousins got completely pissed at the reception, one started to drunkenly lecture me about the fact that he's made a lot of 'mistakes' but he'll tell me about them when I'm 18 and then start telling me that I was gonna do well in life-which I swear all drunk people say to kids my age-and stuff like that.

But yeah so another wedding down and hopefully not another one for a while. Laterzzzzz.

Maya xx

Now if you're me and you think the way as me as soon as you walk into the room your eyes search for any way to kill yourself. There are many reason for this. There are so many things I dislike about not just weddings but family events in general. Like of course seeing my family is great and sitting there and not talking to anyone for 5 hours is a great way to spend my time. 

At weddings in particular there are so many things I dislike such as the fact that literally everyone is crying. The aunties and parents are crying because they don't want to 'let her go' even though they'll see them again for the rest of their lives. The kids are crying because of the lack of attention being given to them. The brides in tears making all the cousins cry and I don't understand why. Like I swear weddings are supposed to be happy.

I feel like them time leading up the wedding is equally stressing, finding one suit for everyday and when the bride makes the deadly descion of having ceremony and the reception of two different days having to find another outfit. By the end of it just the thought of looking at another suit makes you feel physically sick.

I also don't like half of the people that are there eg. some my aunties, my cousin that are way too patronising because they think that if they're 10 years older that makes me ten years old. 

Let me explain my aunties, see because of my fast metabolism, it is a lot harder for me to put on weight and I'm going to stay skinny until about the age of 2-something causing me to be a skinny girl naturally. But my aunties don't seem to understand that. They constantly comment on my weight, about whether I have put on weight or not. I think the worst thing is if I turn down one thing like an extra samosa or whatever they automaically think I'm anorexic or whatever going on a speech about how I'm so skinny and I'm going to whither away or something, now I could probably deal with it if they'd only mentioned it once or twice but when they mention it every time they see me it gets tad annoying. The worst thing is when they comment on my sister, now that really pisses me off because she doesn't know what to say so she just accepts it but its like 'no, shut up, she's 12 she's doesn't need snobby bitches like you commenting on her weight!!". It's like over hearing a bunch of girls bitching about your best friend and it literally kills you not to say anything. I mean sometimes I do but it's not like they listen to me anyways, going back my cousins thoughts, 'I'm just a kid'. I swear its an aunties job just to make you to feel as self conscious as possible 

The whole family event thing in general just freaks me out, especially when we're at my nans and there's like 30 of us just cramped into the downstairs of a tiny house. It feels like all the air is being sucked out and I can't do anything but sit there and think about a good time to escape upstairs to my book or iPad or whatever. See my nephew has Aspergers so he has a natural free pass to stay upstairs all night since his disorder tells people that he has social anxiety instead of people having to push me in a hole of silence where I'm not saying anything but inside my head is exploding. Although when I do manage to escape upstairs it great because its just me and my book or something but until someone comes in the room to get something and spots me. They say "Maya come downstairs you're missing everything." I'll be polite and say "no thank you" and they're like "no seriously come downstairs." So I'm forced downstairs. When I get to there it's the same thing as before where everyone is ignoring me and I'm just there collecting dust so I take out my phone and instantly my mum notices me and says "Maya get that phone away or I will take it off you." So I sit there again but somehow managing to get back upstairs and the cycle just continues.

I've kind of just realised that none of my cousins are really bothered about me so when my cousins from Canada come over for weddings it's a bit better because they don't know how my English cousins feel about me so they make an effort which is cool of them.

But now let me immerse myself in the deadly activities of an Indian wedding and hopefully I will see you on the other side

Maya xx

The thing is when I have these moments I never really know what to do. I don't know if I should talk to someone, read a book, take a nap, watch videos of my favourite people in the world, watch a film, do the cleaning, change something or sit there and let the tears flow. 

I think this is something that will bug me every time I have one of these moments because I feel like everyone of these moments are different, they could be about the same thing but they are always different. 

Being home alone when this happen can either be the greatest thing or the worst thing. It's great because you can let the tears flow as loud as you want but then when the tears start to slow you suddenly feel very alone like you have no one to talk to. So then you message your closest friends asking them to talk and the first one replies and the tears come again for this I do not know why maybe because you start to think more about the shitness of your life or because...I don't know a because. When you start to feel better you say "thank you for the time, I love you and will always be there for you". You sit there for a little bit feeling a lot better and you start to pick up the pieces but then the second person replies causing you to completely drop everything. The tears aren't as heavy and it's just the person trying their very best to make you feel better and you wiping your nose.

So now I sit here writing this and having just experienced that, I have no idea what I'm going to do now. My mum wants me to clean my room and hoover the corridor so I guess cleaning could help but now I fret "what do I do after that." and you have to think of something else you can do. 

I think what ever you do next just don't do it in the room you had your moment other wise the memories could come and it could all start again. Maybe I'll go downstairs watch some Catfish maybe a little Keeping Up With the Kardashians and wait for my little sister to come home.

Oh yes my little sister, my little baby sister. I must make sure I am okay by then. I don't want her to know that this is what teenage life will do to her. She is my strong little sister and I am her strong big sister.

Whenever you have these moments (sorry this will be cheesy) just remember that you aren't the only person who has these moments and its in the word MOMENT. Not forever just a moment. Obviously some moments last longer than others but they are only temporary. We all need time to let the tears flow and that's good. I think maybe it's healthy to have these moments. Let everything out for a moment and then suck it back in. 

Remember they're just moments 

Maya xx